broken hearted

Woke up this morning tears streaming down my face.We the people,who are called to love and serve ,to care and help bear the burdens of others,dismissed from anything that requires our time and care.Ihave four beautiful sistersand one brother,many are the family heartaches ,many failings, but always attempting to do better.One of us have struggled with alchohol addiction for many years ,others of us struggles with food addictions.some have been in and out of marriages,some have given up hope once or twice but God's grace didn't give up on us, therefore we are still here. I think i've been waiting for a long time to see those of us as a church step up and "be" the church.If so much heartache can be in our family, and no one ,who is saying they are our brothers and sisters in Christ, ever shows up in the situation to help love us through it all,then what is the relationship ?This week I've spent more hours in the hospital with a heart broken and very physically ill sister ,and not one church friend has called or come to say a word that might bring hope. I really look at myself and see I have done the same many times,and it makes me sick at me .God help me to stop living so selfishly.Please Jesus,help me "be" who I say I am,help me see past me and see the pain in the eyes of someone who is looking for You,and be able to give them Hope and assure them You are there.

Finding self

Finding myself in the daily crazy situations in life, is a very big challenge.Maybe" self" is not who I should be looking for however; she doesn't have answers,doesn't know what to think or feel about a lot of the going on.There is One who does,even though He doesn't tell me all I wish to know.Guess He couldn't trust me nor many of you either to stick around for the rest of the story if we knew the details and what it might require of us.I hope to stay faithful and true to all I believe and am convienced is the only truth and way in life to go.I hope to lead someone else away from looking for "self " and towards Him.In Him there is life in the weariest times,there is hope in a better tommorrow,there is peace "in" the craziness,and a breath of fresh air when the hardest heartaches weigh heavy on my chest.I will stop looking to be able to expect" self to fix " ,at least I will attempt to do so.

Where do we go from here?

when my heart is shattered, my thoughts unraveled,this unsetteled feeling inside,I know God can see how all of this matters ,He cares even more than I see.Troubles not trouble if it brings us to Jesus,pastor said in his sermon yesterday. i keep wanting Him closer so I guess that's my answer to where do I go from here. Let the tears keep falling,I'll keep calling on the only one who has answers for this.not a heartbreak unmended ,I haven't pretended I knew what the answer should be.I carry this sorrow day after tommorrow and even the day after that,until one day I surrender,I know that it matters, where I should go from here.Please take this pain away,and please don't let me stray,not from the only real hope ,please see my broken heart,please in my spirit start a healing that only you do .please see my fear and doubt,please wash this sorrow out show me Jesus ,where do I go from here?

spinning

Spinning ,my head is dizzy,or is it my heart is dizzy?so many thoughts laying on the surface of my head yet in the deep places of my heart.And of course,thoughts create feeling and feeling creates emotion,and on and on we go.However ,so grateful to have a mind to think with and a heart to feel with.And.. I also have the right to make good of my thoughts and feeling according to my choices.So important for me to have an opened mind to the Word of God, and an open heart to the voice of God ,so that my heart and mind might be subject to someone Who sees and knows all things and can gently lead me to and in paths of His constant care.In this I stand confident and sure "God would never lead me down a road alone nor take me places He wouldn't think I could go with and in Him"

trusting

trusting, for me, is probably one of the greatest obstacles.once lied to,i seem to listen to every word spoken and hear the ones not spoken. Honesty is not the usual these days .people seem to say everything but what you need to know about themselves, and the rest of their story. are you trying to guess what I'm not saying right now?well........ what i will say is ,there are too many words and emotions running wild around here and so little information.I really feel foolish for taking my time on such empty conversation. then ,of all things, i go to face book and i get folks talking about every one else as though they are the only ones that have anything put together . I really think face book is the face less book , alot of people needing to be noticed , and telling you what might make them seem so heroic. Now that's what i'm talking about,empty communication,kind of like this article i'm writing now. Spinning in circles,trying to trust that what you say is truth, knowing all along we're all on the surface of decision but fearful to jump in. looking at a thing called facebook and hoping for some little word that seems real, knowing all along we barely cover what is real or even sort of feel. not to be critical of you my face book friends,i'm also one of you. now you read between the lines and find the words unspoken here.

Dreams ,running wildly in my head. Hope for a future filled with touching the lives of others,looking beyond the needs of my own and beyond this great love i have for my family.There is almost an urgency I feel to move forward ,fully into the call on our lives to reach and love others to this great life of knowing Jesus.I want this more than anything I dream of .Life on this earth as we know it now is quickly changing.The air is filled with uncertainty,our rights to share and live out openly the walk of Christianty,is being clouded over with an evil that can be felt every where. Nothing can seperate us from the love of God,neither life nor death nor principalities,nor powers below nor in the air can seperate us from the great love of God.This is the love that will sustain us in the darkest hour.I have dreams of newness,of refreshing of my mind ,body and soul. Never do I want to live out dreams that only bless me or only contain the lives of my children and grand children. There is room in my heart to love many,to carry the load together that life brings to us.The mercies of God are new every morning,great is His faithfulness! We may cross many more valleys ,climb many more hills but never alone.we must take heart,we cannot faint in our weariness of well doing.Dream the biggest dreams we can ,let God lead,and the way will always be right.Where there is no vision we will perish.

Family

I suppose I have on of the most interesting families there are.Five girls in our crew and only one boy.Raised in New Mexico most of my growing up years,Our Father in the army,our Mother a stay at home Mom.I really don't think Mom had any other choice, with six children to raise,and even if she did have ,she would have still chosen to be with us.We had hard times and we never used that as an excuse to not be faithful to one another or to not live life as though we were the happiest family on earth.Today Mom and Dad are both gone and we still all hold very closely to one another. Yesterday and the day before we all helped our wonderful stepmom move into her new place,knowing it will be her final dwelling place here on this earth,she says. We did that together ,laughing , talking about which way this or that should be.We tried to get things comfortable enough for her first night in her new home,so so much left to do.It makes me smile seeing that one has this hurting ,the other that, and we keep carring on like silly little girls ,and one rather serious brother in such situations. Life is so good having this kind of love to share. I pray we will always give one another reasons to smile .I hope to always see the best in each of us far outweighs the bad.I hope to feel secure in my tears as well as laughter,in sharing the good and the bad with one another."Til death do us part " does,and has always stood as true to our family ,as is does to marriage,and for that I am and will forever be grateful for.FAMILY,one of God's great plans for man!

Mothers day 2010

Woke up to a very cool and cloudy day,very relaxing actually. Gary and I celebrated last night ,went to Outback ,came home and watched some of Superman ,ha.I think the movie was more a guy thing ,don't you think? Today is a day filled with many memories for me. Mom has been gone for five years now ,and I only miss her more. there has never been such an awesome lady as my Mother.Six children to clean and cook for,see us off to school and welcome us home.I never remember hearing her have to raise her voice to get our attention ,there was just this look in her eye that let you know you'd better pay attention right now,ha.Faithfulness was definitly one of the many beautiful words that described her.Mom stood by her man even in the hardest of times,she stood by her children the same.I knew Mom knew me so well that words didn't have to be spoken.I think about the growing up years when money was so little and she still put together the best home cooked meals,she made all the clothes for we five girls and of course had to buy our one and only brothers things. Christmas was so special because we could know we would get one store bought outfit.The thing about it all, we had all we needed and never felt poor or less than, Mom carried those burdens all by herself. Faithful to her Jesus, her life consisted of her love for Him and it was so evident by the way she loved others,always putting them and their needs before her own. Mom was a caring and kind lady ,so filled with understanding ,absolutely the definition of grace!I miss her today ,I'll always miss her,no one can fill the place of a Mother who gave her all for those God gave to her. God blessed our family with another Mom and to day we celebrate her, Tamar Nelson Pennington, she too is a beautiful,loving and caring lady and we ,I, feel so blessed to have her.And even though she was Dad's second wife, and he has passed,he left us with a wonderful Mom to love and enjoy .God has been nothing but good to me as being a mother too. Four wonderful children , and five wonderful Grands. I have two precious daughters in law and two wonderful sons in law.I only wish I could say I had been just like my Mom, I can't. I haven't always been kind,nor have I not raised my voice.I have failed at my own standards,but I know I have loved and stood faithful ,and I love being "MOM"

Life has some real uncertainty,However I know in whom I have believed ,I am persuaded that He is able to keep all that I've committed unto Him.I will trust in Him and lean not to my own understanding.He will direct my path.Of this I am certain.

There are places in the heart man cannot go without the power and security of one far greater than themselves. To go there requires courage and wisdom,the ability to reason ,the ability to know what to hold onto and to let go of. The heart so often is decietful ,full of thought and feelings only supressed,not fully dealt with .What a person dwells on he becomes.If anger ,unforgiveness,sadness ,lust,pride,and on and on we go ,if they are my dominate thoughts of the day ,so will they control my life ,my ability to move forward,my ability to live fully.I know this ,I've expierienced those times when my hurt controled my every moment,paralyzing the me I wanted to be. There is a grace and a place and time that God in His great love can and did take me by the hand ,into the heart,to face those giants,one by one,and to choose to destroy their hold on me. I said Choose because it is a choice whether we face them or let go of them. To not make a choice is a choice.Places in the heart,make or break us.

around and around

Wouldn't it just be easier to get off the merry go round.. but then we'd miss the ride! and even though some of the ride gets a little more than intense, there is laughter along the way. Plans ,or the lack of planning, really is a frustration for me .I would like to know that some day I'll be home in New Mex. back to the wide open places in my heart,breathing newness and feeling every breath.Running to something i've never expierienced before,living out my last days with new friends and enjoying sharing with the old ones , and family, the path not taken before. Sounds like a dream ,it is.and maybe it will only be a dream for me, but I hope a reality for others, cause every one deserves a clean slate to write on. around and around we go !

my story

I feel the need to tell you how I have felt many joys and much heartach in my life,and have lived fully in all circumstances,good and sad.I learned and am learning daily where my weaknesses and strengths are, mostly I realize I have no real strengths of my own. When I was six years old I realized my great need for, and desire for a Savior.While playing church in the bedroom of our home, I knelt at the bed an accepted His call to my heart to let Him inside, and surrender my life,all of it ,to Him. That is the one decision I have never ever regreted,and can say has been my strength on all the roads I have walked.I have made other choices that led me into some dark places,I have had relationships that have broken me at times ,but could not destroy me. I've been walked on and stepped on so many times( that's a song I believe :)) I know what it is to hear the voice of defeat,to try to stop caring ,to stop loving,to want to pay back.I also know the deep relief ,the healing power of choosing to forgive.I have learned that as long as there is life in me , I will choose to be in relationships that will most of the time bring much joy into my life,and some times bring disappointment,sadness,and great struggle to my character.I will always be becoming someone more.I will be affected by life's choices,mine ,and choices those i love will make. But I will not walk with defeat,my spirit chooses to rise above and look at my losses as gain . Every road I have walked and will continue down will be my story,I will own it . And I will choose to see the beauty in the ashes.My story is so deep inside of me,some of it only I and my Savior will ever share,some of it will be for the whole of my world to see. I will only be so happy to say I have fully lived .

Today

I am that old lady in the shoe
has so many dreams she doesn't know what to do
wakes up with plans to do this thing and that
only to find on her face she'll fall flat
if
little lady you must ,take on one dream at a time
focus and figure and count every dime
at days end
you too will see
dreams can come true
when covered by ME

happy

for the assurance of who I am ,of what I believe,happy that every day brings new possibilities,another chance ,happy for the pleasure of love,the joy of friends and family,happy for the daily reminder of times that were harder,happy for hope.I am a very serious minded person but when i feel, i feel deeper than many who take life as only a passing friendship ,a mere aquaintance. When I love ,I love, to never give up or look back,never to regret loving. I long to live every breath of life with passion,when I die I also want to die with grace.Take my chances,feel new depths of love ,and dance my way into eternity.

shoes " old Lady "

There once was a lady who lived in a shoe ,kept doing the same things she knew how to do,she knew how to clean , how to cook, how to smile ,stret ching herself an extra mile......One morning the old lady struggled from bed, frustrated the battles stuck in her head, wandering slowly, her shoe feeling tight,is this shoe worth wearing , given the fight?

overwhelmed

I find myself overwhelmed at times with all the things I'd like to do and accomplish in this short life.I feel time keeps passing me up and the dreams get bigger and there's really no time for dreams . So many situations pulling at me from every direction, so many changes all around me ,wish the changes were my own.I'm just not the person I want to be ,not living up to what I can be ,or could have been. Tomorrow is another chance .

better day today

O kay! I know I need to lighten up a bit. At Pathway I was told you need to know how to play, and that's just not as easy for me as it may be for you. I have many ,many more contented times than sad ones and I'm sure that's when I need to blog.The way I see it however, if we can't take the hard times and face them on paper, we may not recognize the better times. Any way, thanks to all of you out there who are following my blog ,in my ups and downs. Being a funny person would be ,well, fun! But for now I just have to take me as I am.

Tonight I feel the weight of all the disappointment I can ,and yet I know things could be much heavier. I'm not being effective in my world, not all I should be,and yet I long for the warmth of fresh air to breath and almost a desire for solitude. Is that not how it is ,when feeling disappointed in self ? There is this hidden longing inside the human heart to be all ,or nothing at all. I cannot speak for tomorrow,what joy or sorrow, I can only say that today I need God more than yesterday.