broken hearted

Woke up this morning tears streaming down my face.We the people,who are called to love and serve ,to care and help bear the burdens of others,dismissed from anything that requires our time and care.Ihave four beautiful sistersand one brother,many are the family heartaches ,many failings, but always attempting to do better.One of us have struggled with alchohol addiction for many years ,others of us struggles with food addictions.some have been in and out of marriages,some have given up hope once or twice but God's grace didn't give up on us, therefore we are still here. I think i've been waiting for a long time to see those of us as a church step up and "be" the church.If so much heartache can be in our family, and no one ,who is saying they are our brothers and sisters in Christ, ever shows up in the situation to help love us through it all,then what is the relationship ?This week I've spent more hours in the hospital with a heart broken and very physically ill sister ,and not one church friend has called or come to say a word that might bring hope. I really look at myself and see I have done the same many times,and it makes me sick at me .God help me to stop living so selfishly.Please Jesus,help me "be" who I say I am,help me see past me and see the pain in the eyes of someone who is looking for You,and be able to give them Hope and assure them You are there.

Finding self

Finding myself in the daily crazy situations in life, is a very big challenge.Maybe" self" is not who I should be looking for however; she doesn't have answers,doesn't know what to think or feel about a lot of the going on.There is One who does,even though He doesn't tell me all I wish to know.Guess He couldn't trust me nor many of you either to stick around for the rest of the story if we knew the details and what it might require of us.I hope to stay faithful and true to all I believe and am convienced is the only truth and way in life to go.I hope to lead someone else away from looking for "self " and towards Him.In Him there is life in the weariest times,there is hope in a better tommorrow,there is peace "in" the craziness,and a breath of fresh air when the hardest heartaches weigh heavy on my chest.I will stop looking to be able to expect" self to fix " ,at least I will attempt to do so.

Where do we go from here?

when my heart is shattered, my thoughts unraveled,this unsetteled feeling inside,I know God can see how all of this matters ,He cares even more than I see.Troubles not trouble if it brings us to Jesus,pastor said in his sermon yesterday. i keep wanting Him closer so I guess that's my answer to where do I go from here. Let the tears keep falling,I'll keep calling on the only one who has answers for this.not a heartbreak unmended ,I haven't pretended I knew what the answer should be.I carry this sorrow day after tommorrow and even the day after that,until one day I surrender,I know that it matters, where I should go from here.Please take this pain away,and please don't let me stray,not from the only real hope ,please see my broken heart,please in my spirit start a healing that only you do .please see my fear and doubt,please wash this sorrow out show me Jesus ,where do I go from here?

spinning

Spinning ,my head is dizzy,or is it my heart is dizzy?so many thoughts laying on the surface of my head yet in the deep places of my heart.And of course,thoughts create feeling and feeling creates emotion,and on and on we go.However ,so grateful to have a mind to think with and a heart to feel with.And.. I also have the right to make good of my thoughts and feeling according to my choices.So important for me to have an opened mind to the Word of God, and an open heart to the voice of God ,so that my heart and mind might be subject to someone Who sees and knows all things and can gently lead me to and in paths of His constant care.In this I stand confident and sure "God would never lead me down a road alone nor take me places He wouldn't think I could go with and in Him"

trusting

trusting, for me, is probably one of the greatest obstacles.once lied to,i seem to listen to every word spoken and hear the ones not spoken. Honesty is not the usual these days .people seem to say everything but what you need to know about themselves, and the rest of their story. are you trying to guess what I'm not saying right now?well........ what i will say is ,there are too many words and emotions running wild around here and so little information.I really feel foolish for taking my time on such empty conversation. then ,of all things, i go to face book and i get folks talking about every one else as though they are the only ones that have anything put together . I really think face book is the face less book , alot of people needing to be noticed , and telling you what might make them seem so heroic. Now that's what i'm talking about,empty communication,kind of like this article i'm writing now. Spinning in circles,trying to trust that what you say is truth, knowing all along we're all on the surface of decision but fearful to jump in. looking at a thing called facebook and hoping for some little word that seems real, knowing all along we barely cover what is real or even sort of feel. not to be critical of you my face book friends,i'm also one of you. now you read between the lines and find the words unspoken here.

Dreams ,running wildly in my head. Hope for a future filled with touching the lives of others,looking beyond the needs of my own and beyond this great love i have for my family.There is almost an urgency I feel to move forward ,fully into the call on our lives to reach and love others to this great life of knowing Jesus.I want this more than anything I dream of .Life on this earth as we know it now is quickly changing.The air is filled with uncertainty,our rights to share and live out openly the walk of Christianty,is being clouded over with an evil that can be felt every where. Nothing can seperate us from the love of God,neither life nor death nor principalities,nor powers below nor in the air can seperate us from the great love of God.This is the love that will sustain us in the darkest hour.I have dreams of newness,of refreshing of my mind ,body and soul. Never do I want to live out dreams that only bless me or only contain the lives of my children and grand children. There is room in my heart to love many,to carry the load together that life brings to us.The mercies of God are new every morning,great is His faithfulness! We may cross many more valleys ,climb many more hills but never alone.we must take heart,we cannot faint in our weariness of well doing.Dream the biggest dreams we can ,let God lead,and the way will always be right.Where there is no vision we will perish.

Family

I suppose I have on of the most interesting families there are.Five girls in our crew and only one boy.Raised in New Mexico most of my growing up years,Our Father in the army,our Mother a stay at home Mom.I really don't think Mom had any other choice, with six children to raise,and even if she did have ,she would have still chosen to be with us.We had hard times and we never used that as an excuse to not be faithful to one another or to not live life as though we were the happiest family on earth.Today Mom and Dad are both gone and we still all hold very closely to one another. Yesterday and the day before we all helped our wonderful stepmom move into her new place,knowing it will be her final dwelling place here on this earth,she says. We did that together ,laughing , talking about which way this or that should be.We tried to get things comfortable enough for her first night in her new home,so so much left to do.It makes me smile seeing that one has this hurting ,the other that, and we keep carring on like silly little girls ,and one rather serious brother in such situations. Life is so good having this kind of love to share. I pray we will always give one another reasons to smile .I hope to always see the best in each of us far outweighs the bad.I hope to feel secure in my tears as well as laughter,in sharing the good and the bad with one another."Til death do us part " does,and has always stood as true to our family ,as is does to marriage,and for that I am and will forever be grateful for.FAMILY,one of God's great plans for man!