New mexico

It is July and we have traveled so many roads since I blogged last.Literally,we have been in and out of desert roads,around and around mountains,and have seen the most beautiful sights we could dream of!this change in our lives was a change we had hoped for but wasn't sure how it could happen.We stepped out!Believe me,not without fear and looking back sometimes.Change is one of the hardest places in life to walk through,and yet always important if we are going to grow.The hardest part of this change for us was the leaving our children,grandchildren,sisters and brother behind.I realize that I almost thought if I wasn't close by, God couldn't take care of them,that's how I lived anyway.I had put myself in a position of "i can take care of that",no matter how big the problem,no matter how much or what it took.Yes,it became unhealthy, mostly for the ones i hovered over.I have a tendency to call it love when ,looking at the situation in the eyes of truth,it's more the need to control.This is only one of the things I have had to search out about me on this journey of life changes.I feel overwhelmed at how self righteous a life can become in the disguise of love.Oh well,we are loving New Mex.I was raised here until the age of fourteen,And strange as it seems to others,I feel like I've come home.I want to share this time of life with the children and grands and all the rest of family and friends.I want to be a better mom,wife,Nana.I want to see the sunset of my life make a difference for the better.And I want to walk into that sunset with a sense of knowing I came home to become a better me.

Is this how it is for real!?????? I'll be 60 in June and somehow I feel more lost than ever.,So not together. Gary wants to walk away from this life we've made home,and.... most days I do too.Today I feel like the puzzle pieces are thrown to the floor and there is no way to pick them up,much less put them back together again.I know,most of you blog about all the fun things in your lives and post cute pictures.I'm so boring.A new start sounds so wonderful and yet it also feels very uncertain,like unrealistic,too far out there.Change is coming,I know that,just hope it's for the best, for the rest of this life,and that somehow I will be something, or someone for others that will matter.I want to be all I can be,all Gary needs me to be; I want to see Gary happy! Then I will feel like nothing will be lost.

broken hearted

Woke up this morning tears streaming down my face.We the people,who are called to love and serve ,to care and help bear the burdens of others,dismissed from anything that requires our time and care.Ihave four beautiful sistersand one brother,many are the family heartaches ,many failings, but always attempting to do better.One of us have struggled with alchohol addiction for many years ,others of us struggles with food addictions.some have been in and out of marriages,some have given up hope once or twice but God's grace didn't give up on us, therefore we are still here. I think i've been waiting for a long time to see those of us as a church step up and "be" the church.If so much heartache can be in our family, and no one ,who is saying they are our brothers and sisters in Christ, ever shows up in the situation to help love us through it all,then what is the relationship ?This week I've spent more hours in the hospital with a heart broken and very physically ill sister ,and not one church friend has called or come to say a word that might bring hope. I really look at myself and see I have done the same many times,and it makes me sick at me .God help me to stop living so selfishly.Please Jesus,help me "be" who I say I am,help me see past me and see the pain in the eyes of someone who is looking for You,and be able to give them Hope and assure them You are there.

Finding self

Finding myself in the daily crazy situations in life, is a very big challenge.Maybe" self" is not who I should be looking for however; she doesn't have answers,doesn't know what to think or feel about a lot of the going on.There is One who does,even though He doesn't tell me all I wish to know.Guess He couldn't trust me nor many of you either to stick around for the rest of the story if we knew the details and what it might require of us.I hope to stay faithful and true to all I believe and am convienced is the only truth and way in life to go.I hope to lead someone else away from looking for "self " and towards Him.In Him there is life in the weariest times,there is hope in a better tommorrow,there is peace "in" the craziness,and a breath of fresh air when the hardest heartaches weigh heavy on my chest.I will stop looking to be able to expect" self to fix " ,at least I will attempt to do so.

Where do we go from here?

when my heart is shattered, my thoughts unraveled,this unsetteled feeling inside,I know God can see how all of this matters ,He cares even more than I see.Troubles not trouble if it brings us to Jesus,pastor said in his sermon yesterday. i keep wanting Him closer so I guess that's my answer to where do I go from here. Let the tears keep falling,I'll keep calling on the only one who has answers for this.not a heartbreak unmended ,I haven't pretended I knew what the answer should be.I carry this sorrow day after tommorrow and even the day after that,until one day I surrender,I know that it matters, where I should go from here.Please take this pain away,and please don't let me stray,not from the only real hope ,please see my broken heart,please in my spirit start a healing that only you do .please see my fear and doubt,please wash this sorrow out show me Jesus ,where do I go from here?

spinning

Spinning ,my head is dizzy,or is it my heart is dizzy?so many thoughts laying on the surface of my head yet in the deep places of my heart.And of course,thoughts create feeling and feeling creates emotion,and on and on we go.However ,so grateful to have a mind to think with and a heart to feel with.And.. I also have the right to make good of my thoughts and feeling according to my choices.So important for me to have an opened mind to the Word of God, and an open heart to the voice of God ,so that my heart and mind might be subject to someone Who sees and knows all things and can gently lead me to and in paths of His constant care.In this I stand confident and sure "God would never lead me down a road alone nor take me places He wouldn't think I could go with and in Him"

trusting

trusting, for me, is probably one of the greatest obstacles.once lied to,i seem to listen to every word spoken and hear the ones not spoken. Honesty is not the usual these days .people seem to say everything but what you need to know about themselves, and the rest of their story. are you trying to guess what I'm not saying right now?well........ what i will say is ,there are too many words and emotions running wild around here and so little information.I really feel foolish for taking my time on such empty conversation. then ,of all things, i go to face book and i get folks talking about every one else as though they are the only ones that have anything put together . I really think face book is the face less book , alot of people needing to be noticed , and telling you what might make them seem so heroic. Now that's what i'm talking about,empty communication,kind of like this article i'm writing now. Spinning in circles,trying to trust that what you say is truth, knowing all along we're all on the surface of decision but fearful to jump in. looking at a thing called facebook and hoping for some little word that seems real, knowing all along we barely cover what is real or even sort of feel. not to be critical of you my face book friends,i'm also one of you. now you read between the lines and find the words unspoken here.